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Monday, April 24th, 2006
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5:54 pm
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you know you're getting old when you get the first publication from your alma mater that doesn't have a girl in it that you've made out with...
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 2nd, 2005
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5:51 pm
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What's your gender? male
How old are you? 23
What is your sexual orientation? straight
At what age did you lose your virginity? 15
Under what circumstances did you lose your virginity? a hot and steamy one-minute marathon of consensual sex
Was that person older or younger than you at the time? surprisingly, older but only by a year
Did you enjoy your first time? the first time having sex with something other than my hand..... uh, yeah
Approximately, how long after your first time did you wait to have sex again? 30 minutes?
If you could do it over again, would you change anything? i probably could have enjoyed it less, and she probably could have enjoyed it more
Do you enjoy sex? not as much i like white chocolate mousse cheesecake with sun-dried cherries with a sprig of fresh mint for garnish purposes, but, on occasion, yes
Are you in a relationship now? 3 months in and she hasn't dumped me yet
Number of Semi-Serious/Serious Relationships you've had: 7
Number of Semi-Serious/Serious Relationships you've been in where you have had sex with that partner: 7
How long do you normally date someone before having sex with them? sometimes the women try to rape me on our first date, and sometimes i try to cop a feel on our third.... it's all relative
Typically, how much time do you spend engaged in foreplay before having sex with your partner? it depends on what time we expect her boyfriend back, but usually a while
How many different sex partners have you had? 19
Have you ever had a fuck buddy? now THAT'S a beautiful friendship!
What sexual aspects are you into? yoga
Do you have any other sexual regrets? kim, but only because i really liked her and found out that she was banging my best friend/roommate (a feat that can still not be figured out) at the same time. oh, and that hooker i picked up on the boulevard
Have you ever had sex with a virgin? once or twice, but with my track record, I try to avoid deflowering the innocent
What's the biggest age difference between you and someone you've had sex with? once i attempted to seduce a extremely hot 34 year old
How often would you have sex in an ideal relationship? the 6th, 18th, and 23rd of every month
And when was the last time you actually did have sex? saturday night
When was the last time you had an orgasm? sunday morning
Have you ever had a one-night stand? does it still count as a one-night stand if i saw her around campus?
What sort of contraception do you normally use? abstinence, studded for her pleasure
Have you ever had phone sex? tennessee and california are several states apart, i do what i have to
Have you ever devoted a whole day to sex? we packed a bag lunch and took a 30-minute break to watch malcolm in the middle.... does that still count?
Do you prefer lights on or off? lights on and paper bags
What's your favorite position? the one-legged king pigeon
What's the most number of positions you've used in one sex session? i usually don't incorporate yoga into my sex sessions..... should i be?
Do you like sex best rough, gentle, fast, slow, or how? i usually let the girl lead and take it from there
Do you get turned on by pain? only lit cigarettes burning my nipples
Have you ever tried anal sex and if so did you like it? if i say 'no' then sean will be mad at me, and if i say 'yes' everyone will think i'm sick, so i just won't answer this question!
Have you ever used food for sexual purposes? just like.... watermelons and shit
Have you ever had a threesome or any sort of group sex? i'm gonna need a calculator for this one
Have you ever had sex with more than 1 person during a 24-hour period but not at the same time? kim has
Have you ever had a sexual experience with someone of the same sex? i bro down with sean from time to time
Describe your worst sexual experience: i was visiting my bed-acquaintance at the time, a lovely girl named kellie who was quite vocal about most things (save the rainforest and the pandas, etc, one of those hot earthy girls whose only downfall was her new annoying cause every week). she liked to enjoy herself and i imagine pretty much everyone on the block had noticed this, so i'm not certain if this is to be blamed on thin apartment walls and a new neighbor, or just the fact that i was doing extremely well this particular evening, but someone mistook her yelps of pleasure for the screams of a hostage/murder victim/13-year-old-justin-timberlake-fan, something along those lines and called the police
Describe your best sexual experience: sean lapaglia
Describe your biggest fantasy: rapping with eminem
Have you ever messed around with other people in the room? well, i think they were asleep but on second thought those fake-sounding snores were pretty forced
Have you ever been caught masturbating? shut up
Have you ever been caught having sex? only the tampa police the night i was murdering kellie
Has anyone ever watched you having sex? i think "Vince Does Venice Beach" has sold something like 4 copies
What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Venice.... and your mom
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 24th, 2005
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8:04 pm
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lindsay scvp: vince, you really do have like the best personality ever
lindsay scvp: except that you hate to be on top
lindsay scvp: and you whine like a little bitch when you are
lindsay scvp: or so i hear
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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4:25 pm
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it's official. i have a real-life, steady, HOT girlfriend. but in the true vince style, the only reason i got her was because i made fun of her. girls dig being made fun of.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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1:53 pm
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when my sister brings a boy home for the holidays, my parents oh and aw over her "serious relationship". yet, when i bring a girl home for the holidays, my parents just assume that i'm trying to tell them that i'm going to be a father.
ain't that a bitch?
current mood:  annoyed
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 20th, 2004
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12:27 pm
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sweetpink pumas: why do old men go to clubs
vinnyfairy: to pick up hot chicks
sweetpink pumas: when you're that old and that ugly
sweetpink pumas: not even beer goggles will make you look good
sweetpink pumas: they'll just make you look kind of...
sweetpink pumas: how should we put this
sweetpink pumas: like steve buscemi
sweetpink pumas: bad example, he is, after all, a big star and probably gets a lot of poon
sweetpink pumas: and then there are people like you vince
sweetpink pumas: who are god's gift to mirrors
sweetpink pumas: rearview mirrors when you're in the car behind me
sweetpink pumas: with beer goggles.. you are like some kind of exotic wood nymph
vinnyfairy: make it easy on yourself; just say all mirrors
sweetpink pumas: the kind without hooves
sweetpink pumas: well some mirrors lie
vinnyfairy: none that I'm in
sweetpink pumas: like the ones amanda peterson was looking in when she thought her outfit made her ass look small
vinnyfairy: her ass will never be small again after bucky's penis was up it
sweetpink pumas: there are no words
sweetpink pumas: no words
current mood:  touched
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 31st, 2004
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5:02 pm
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melissa and i played strip football during the chargers/raiders game. she had to take off an article of clothing every time the chargers got a touchdown and i had to remove an article of clothing every time the raiders got a touchdown. for those of you who didn't watch the game, the final score was san diego: 42 oakland: 14. someone was naked and it wasn't me.
later we're going party hopping in la. i'm going as white trash and she's going to be my beaten and impregnanted girlfriend.
current mood:  white trashy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
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7:33 pm
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vinnyfairy: i want a meatball sub
vinnyfairy: if you bring me one right now, ill accept your apology
l kiss hot boys: I have meatless meatballs, mariana sauce, and some italian bread
l kiss hot boys: will that suit?
vinnyfairy: meatless what? hell no
vinnyfairy: i want a good one
vinnyfairy: NOW
l kiss hot boys: alas, you are too far away
l kiss hot boys: I'm not up for a 2 hour drive to deliver a sub and then driving 2 hours back
vinnyfairy: no its more like 1 hour away
vinnyfairy: it would be like 2 hours round trip
l kiss hot boys: LA traffic
vinnyfairy: it's past midnight on a tuesday
vinnyfairy: trust me, 3 hours tops
l kiss hot boys: and what if I said I would do it?
vinnyfairy: then i'd probably throw a pair of pants on and expect a hot sub in an hour or so
l kiss hot boys: I'll be there in an hour
and she was. with a lovely meatball sub. which i ate greedily.
and then we had a slumber party. and she kneed me in the balls in her sleep. i think it was an accident.
current mood: satisfied
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 5th, 2004
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5:23 pm
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goal for the evening - find an attractive young lady to enjoy the wonder of rich clique's labor day fireworks with yours truly. secondary to that, uh..... nope, that's it.
current mood:  devious
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 26th, 2004
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9:36 pm
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best description of an easy girl...
a. sorostitute
b. kim wilson
c. any girl vince has hooked up with
current mood: lonely
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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7:47 pm
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my only sister left for college. this does not make me happy. i know that i'm not the nice, wonderful, chivalrous guy that sean is (aka a pussy), but i do have a soft side especially when it comes to my baby sister. i'm worried about her. she's a cute girl. i mean, we came from the same gene pool so... of course she is. and even if she wasn't, daddy would have paid for a nose job, or a chin job, or a boob job, or a tummy tuck, or hair removal, and whatever else ugly girls do to make themselves more attractive. but she naturally is beautiful. and i know about college guys. hell, i WAS one of those college guys. i'm sure that there are numerous older brothers out there who want to kick my ass for what i did to their sisters. i'm cool with that, just not when it comes to MY sister. i think i need to break a few knees around campus to get the word out and show them that i mean business. watch out pretty boys of stanford, vince is coming! my sister will never get laid and i will be the cause of it!!
speaking of my daddy buying boob jobs, if i ever got serious with a flat chested chick... i wonder if he could spruce her up a bit for me. afterall, i am his only son. he only acquired one sizzling hot stepchild with his second marriage and she DEFINITELY isn't a male.
speaking of which, is it wrong to think that your step sister is hot and is it morally legal to seduce her?
current mood:  predatory
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 12th, 2004
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4:52 pm
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Dear Mommy and Daddy,
This is how I really make all of my money.
Love,
Vinny
current mood: undeniably sexy
current music: n.e.r.d. - lapdance
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 2nd, 2004
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7:13 pm
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ashlynn donovan. she's hot, yes. she's nice, yes. BUT SHE TALKS TOO DAMN MUCH! i went out with her once and i know her life story. the thing was, i didn't care! so we did the whole dinner thing and then we went back to her place to watch a movie (this was entirely her idea for those of you who think differently). of course, i couldn't concentrate on the movie because it was dark and she's so blisteringly hot and sitting next to me, sort of cuddly and wearing a skirt that just keeps inching up those thighs and i can't keep my eyes off of them anyway, and, again, SHE WON'T SHUT UP! at this point, the movie was already ruined because i didn't know what was going on and it had gotton to the point where i just couldn't take it anymore. so what's the one way to get a girl to shut up? make out with her. voila! she shut up and then totally jumped me. it was rather pleasant. she wanted me to spend the night, but i didn't think i could handle that. that's the worse thing - when you have a hot girl begging you to stay but the costs outweigh the benefits. her legs almost convinced me to stay. but i cited church as an excuse. since when does vince fairbanks pass up sex for church? actually, since when does vince fairbanks pass up sex for anything? NEVER! i'm not even religious but she didn't seem to know the difference. i told her i would call her... maybe i will, maybe i won't. but damn those legs... if one thing can convince me to go through that again it's those legs. those fucking legs...
what happened to my sex life intermixed with intelligent and interesting conversation? i miss my fuck buddy.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
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4:06 pm - el fuego of all that is el fuego
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last night there was a charity dinner at the club. of course, it was something ridiculous like $200 a plate and of course, my family had to go. i was entertained however, because they were auctioning off dates with the single daughters of members. seriously, the things they do to raise money and uh... my member. err, i mean!! membership at the club. anyway, daddy bought me a date. with ashlynn donovan. she's the hottest of the hot. kind of like kristy boner. she's 5'10" with the best set of legs you have ever seen. i love my daddy.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 15th, 2004
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1:20 pm
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let me tell you what i love about european beaches. naked girls.
let me tell you what i hate about european beaches. naked guys.
and i really don't like being naked in front of other guys... unless that other guy is sean.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 18th, 2004
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12:45 am
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It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise,
but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the calorific expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With his/her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without his/her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the! G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 52 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Her on top............................. 524 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 726 Calories
Donkey punch..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMIC:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years.......................... 1124 Calories
50-59 years.......................... 1972 Calories
60-69 years.......................... 2916 Calories
70 and over...................... Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With his/her father knocking at the door.. 1218 Calories
With your spouse knocking at the door..5521 Calories
With his/her spouse knocking at the door.... 10,521 Calories
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 14th, 2004
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9:01 pm
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well, in honor of sean and his slam against me and my "19-year-old girlfriend" i have decided to write a small 5-minute manifesto on the primary rule of dating. there is a rule about the acceptable age of a young lady. everyone should know this rule and everyone should abide by it. it has come in handy for me several times. everyone - pay attention! in order to figure out the acceptable of a potential young lady, you must take the man's age (in my case - 22), divide it by half (11), and add 7 (18). therefore, i can date anyone who is 18 and older. but under the age of 18, things start to get sticky. well, things always get sticky, but if they are younger than 18, not only is it not following the universal rule, but it is highly ILLEGAL. in the case of a non-whole number (such will be the case when I turn 23 and such as in SEAN'S case) the rule states that the number should be rounded up. therefore, in the case of SEAN, his limit is 19. he clearly breaks this rule repeatedly. fag.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 31st, 2004
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1:21 am
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The worse part about living in close proximity to home is the fact that my father still feels the need to set me up on dates. And how does my daddy find these girls you may ask? Is he a pedophiliac stalker of young women? Well, see, when a new member joins the club and if that new member has a daughter, I am always nominated to take them out on dates. This may sound like a pretty good deal, but let me tell you - it's not all that great. You think that rich little girls would spend daddy's "hard earned" money on nose jobs and/or boob jobs. This is a common misconception. BELIEVE ME. ... Wow, I really am an ass, aren't I?
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, May 21st, 2004
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1:44 pm
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brooklynne n12: i luv you vince
brooklynne n12: i really do
vinnyfairy: enough to fuck me?
vinnyfairy: oh my, i'm sorry
vinnyfairy: bad choice of words
vinnyfairy: that's not romantic
vinnyfairy: enough to share yourself with me for an evening?
current mood: hopeful
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 13th, 2004
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7:13 pm
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the real world sucks.
i think that my new job should be in the porn business. i bet i could give ron jeremy a run for his money.
current mood: aggravated
current music: eminem
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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